Thursday, March 3, 2011

Its been awhile

I know I know. Its been awhile. I don't know why I haven't written much. I think to some extent I've been a little down in the dumps. I had been doing really well, practicing Yoga, regaining some of my muscle strength. I shed about 40 pounds got off all my diabetes meds, and half my blood pressure stuff. Then, around November, it all slid into reverse. Now anyone who knows anything about Multiple Sclerosis, knows this is very much the trend for the disease. I should have known that I had the possibility of this occurring. Yet I think its only natural to live in a bit of denial. Its also natural to dwell in self pity when something happens as well. I felt a lot of doom and gloom during this period that has only started lifting around February. Yet as I examine it, I am the only one who put myself in this state. Inactivity through self pity can be as much of a disease as the diseases we have labels for.

So this is me putting pen to paper (or keys to monitor?) to help myself realize what I do have. I do have a beautiful and wonderful wife. I have two healthy and vibrant children who are very smart. I have a house that much like me is a work in progress. I have some pretty darn good friends who act as a back up support group. Heck, I even have people who aren't related to me in any fashion ,beyond blood relation to my stepson, that act like family to me. So I guess my first step in all this is to realize I am not alone, as evidenced by the prior statements. OK good, round one goes to happiness. (for the record I really hate the term stepson. To me that somehow reduces the importance of my son to me. He is no less or more important then my daughter is to me. I don't know why the term even exists, because to me at least it adds a qualifier to something that shouldn't be there. It down plays a very important bond that can be built, as if it grants some reason to love something a little less. Nothing could be farther from the truth where Aris and I are concerned)

I have reconciled a lot of my past within myself. No, I haven't committed any crimes, robbed any banks, or did any evils to my fellow man (OK OK a little gas here and there Wendy but is that really evil). I have been guilty of judging folks a little harshly, but I think everyone does that from time to time. We judge the important part is in the judging process do we also look inward and play our own devil's advocate. As anyone who knows me will say, I probably over analyze even simple things to give them a fair shake. Some of that reconciling has been here in this blog. I have had the privilege of jotting my thoughts down, getting a few opinions and moving on. But this is a important resource that have a available to me. Not only do I have a inner monologue, but I have the pressure of rereading it, analyzing my thoughts, and then having others look upon them as well. Really makes you think about WHAT you think sometimes.

I have had some rough and tumble times with the medicines for treatment for Multiple Sclerosis. Doctors and Scientists alike will tell you that medicines are suppose to work a certain way. Sadly there is absolutely no way in a human being we can conjecture with 100% certainty from day to day just how a medicine will work. In my case Tysabri wiped out my immune system ( Every little snotty nose I came in contact with I got some present), caused festering boils on my skin, and raging headaches as well as stomach upset. Of course we talk to the doctors and we get the well meaning but not completely factual statement of "Well it hasn't done this in other patients" Thankfully at least the Doctors in the VA stopped the medication (not that I gave them much choice) It did teach me that I need to trust and listen to my own body more. We have become far to reliant on a magic pill to cure all things. The fact of the matter is, despite what scientists and doctors may think they know common sense does dictate certain cliches stand true. Our body will adapt to things over time. And through adaptation comes change.

I am living proof that medical science cant be completely viewed as factual. I "should" be in a wheelchair. Yet I have managed through late night yoga and better eating to retrain my brain function a bit. I should be on pills and insulin shots, but instead I did the next to impossible and despite every med they had me on having the side effect of weight gain, peeled weight off. The fact of the matter is we just don't know. I have opted to do one more medication trial of rituximab. I am walkin into this extremely leery. I have decided this is the last chance for modern medicine and me. If I have even half of what I suffered under Tysabri occur with Rituximab, I'm done with it. I will go the holistic route perhaps eastern medicine route for treatment from there on out. Ive been using more and more holistic treatment anyway and have felt 20 times better from that then any of the "fixes" I've been offered.

I guess what I am saying in all this is. Ive learned some things in the last year.
Listen to your body
-- It tells you the truth of things
Use the positive in your life to help heal your ills
We really are what we eat
. All this processed garbage we eat really does have a negative effect. Don't believe me, Try organic for a month. I mean REALLY try it. Shop around you can find organic cheaper then you think. I dropped my blood sugar almost 100 points by simply changing the quality of the food I eat. Not only that, but it also caused me to reduce portion sizes because I was feeling more satisfied by what I eat.
Most important of all, Inactivity does not lead to progress
. You will not find motivation unless you move. Plain and simple. One step will lead to the next but sitting on the couch is guaranteed to lead you nowhere.

I realize this has been a very mixed bag of things. But I didn't write this for other readers, I wrote it for me. To help me realize some very important stuff. I invite you to do the same with yourself. You don't have to publish it like I do. Just sit down and write it out, even more then just thinking about stuff writing spurs you into a lot of self reflection. As you struggle to pin down that next sentence, you will find the flurry of activity your brain engages in will move you farther then you might think.

Keep your chin up folks


  1. I feel for you my blood, be well and happy

  2. as always your writing is awesome. you blow me out of the water with your insights. love ya. Aunt Vicki