So on Saturday I attended Starfest 2010. It is a collection of events and people that probably are lucky to have escaped their parents basements (and I am positive alot have still not made that escape), various degrees of armpit odor, outrageous costumes, and the eternal war of trekkies vs the overwhelming power of the Force. It also had in attendance one Miss Summer Glau, which had fanboys everywhere (to include myself) nervously waiting their place in line to take photos with her. I have met a few stars in my lifetime, Brad Pitt ( who was extremely cool then of course this was pre angelina days), Julia Roberts (ahem stuck up), George Clooney (stuck up) and Marina Sirtis (Chain smoker). All of them you could tell were actors and used to a certain amount of attention. Nothing could ever prepare me for Summer Glau. She was the most insanely down to earth nice actress you could ever meet. Not only that but she genuinely seemed to enjoy being around her fans.
After waiting in line for the better part of two hours, When I walked around the corner to get my picture taken, I was fully not expecting to get a huge smile, and "hey, how you doing nice to meet you. Not only that but she thanked me, yes thanked me for waiting to take a picture with her and apologized for the long wait even though she showed up an hour earlier then posted to get pictures started. Its been my experience from other years of seeing people get their photo taken the actors and actresses would let you stand near them but there was no contact. Not Summer, she just wraps her arm right around you and says "Here get closer" for the photo and smiles at you".
By the time I waited again for my autograph, She did not disappoint in the slightest, striking up conversation and taking photos again with people and their kids despite the starfest's coordinators irritation. I heard one of the staff members grumbling that she should not do that, that she should be charging for the photo, but Summer just looked at the staff member and shooed them away and went right back to taking photos with folks. She complimented me on my tattoo and even took time to give me best wishes on my fight against MS (earlier at the photo shoot one of the people had asked me to remove my cane crutch and glasses for the photo and I explained I was too unsteady and had to wear the sunglasses in order to not retain the image of the camera flash for the next 20 minutes, it wasnt to be cool it because of my MS. ) Summer had remembered me from the photo shoot and even paid attention to something that wasnt even mentioned to her directly but instead to one of the staff. Color me impressed!
In the end it made Starfest one of the best experiences of my life. I got to meet one of my favorite actresses from Firefly and Serenity fame as well as Dollhouse and Terminator:SCC, but I got to see them not as some hollywood idol but instead as just a regular human being. Despite the fact I had to leave earlier then intended due to the immense amount of body heat from everyone there making my MS fatigue flare up, I still consider it a worthwhile experience and will look back fondly on it. I realize Summer Glau will never read this, but for whats it worth I hope she never stops acting and I hope she never loses sight of what makes her so special to her fans.
And in case you didnt know
Spock sucks, may the force be with you!
Chris
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
The circle
I have often tryed to decide how life could be defined best. Its odd how some of us, as humans feel the need to define everything around us by placing it in neat little categories. Sometimes, I think this is due to the fact our brain is divided up in the way it processes certain things, so subconsciously we do the same thing with our observations. I ,until a few months ago, use to relate life to a long hallway with windows. I think like most folks as we age, or perhaps as we experience things (because after all experiences can age a person faster then a calendar can) we change how we percieve our own realities.
As time has gone on, I have began to amend my previous thoughts about life. I think life is a hallway that is circular in shape. Yes there are still windows. The windows on the outer ring represent our lifes as they are, once again still the good parts, the happy parts, the memories if you will. The windows on the inside represent our dreams. There are fewer windows on the inner ring, the area is much smaller. We spend our life walking around this circle perhaps because life really does repeat itself, even if it is in the smallest ways. I think as we age, we tend to look more out the windows on the outside ring and less to the windows on the inside ring. There are those among us who still can constantly focus on the inner ring, no matter how old we get (I suspect Robin Williams is one of those people) But I think by and large as we age, our heads are turned more to the outer ring because we look more to our happy memories and less to our dreams.
Never fret, this is not a bad thing. You see, I believe as we age some of those dreams become reality, and thus move from the inner ring of windows to the outer ring. I also think there are alot of things we view favorably over time that we never thought we would. In the end our "reality" or memories end up being more treasured and we stop wanting to live "what if", and start wish we could live "rememeber when". I realize I am kind of babbling so I shall provide an example.
My parents sent out 4 packages filled with some of my old stuff. One of the things that was sent out was a wooden rattle type thing with a ring around the center. My grandpa lewis made the wooden thing for me when I was very young. I dont remember why or when he made it, I know I wasnt a baby anymore, perhaps it was a birthday or christmas present. What I do remember was the wood shop in which he made it, a dark building made of cinder block, that always smelled of that wood meets metal burning smell and More cigarettes. I remember how ominous my grandfather was to me at the time. He hobbled around his workshop sort of like a wise old Indian chief, and he always seemed very serious. The wood shop was poorly lit and very cluttered with all sorts of wood and projects and tools he worked on as well as various tv parts etc. It reminded me of a mad scientist's laboratory.
As all this imagery hit me I realized I was holding the wooden toy to my nose and inhaling the slight smell that came from that wood shop. It has been probably 25 years since I set foot in his wood shop, now I know it is gone due to some unfortunate circumstances. But that memory for good or bad is ingrained (haha ingrained its a wood joke) in me. And when I look back on it I feel pretty nostalgic. When I look at the pencil holder he made me I think of his impossibly gnarled hands thick and calloused from years of hard work. I remember how he reminded me of a tree sometimes by how tough his skin was and how rough his hands would feel. Even when he got older and infirm, his grip was still like iron. It was a different sore of iron, not like the iron I felt in my fathers hugs which brought a measure of safety and respect, but instead with him it was more you could feel how tough life had made him. I got all these feelings, emotions and thoughts from a sniff of a wooden toy and seeing the words "Handcrafted by Lewis W Bishop" on the bottom of the pencil holder. Some folks would look at my memories and think it was scary, but in truth now they are in a very special place called Remember when. A place that sometimes when I am feeling down and I look out those windows, I wish I could go.
As I drive down colorado blvd here, and see all the rolling farms, the cattle ranges and the familiar smells of growing corn and soybeans, I am forced to realized that I moved here to Dacono for many reasons. Most importantly, because inside of me there is still a boy riding his ugly blue schwinn 3 speed bike as fast as he can down spearsville road at 6pm at night, smelling all the earthy smells, feeling the summer heat with the gentle breeze and waiting for the next shaded dip in the road so I can build up speed to be hit with the next batch of new smells and sounds. Its all I can do to keep from letting go of the wheel and throwing my arms out again for that brief moment of superhuman flight and invulnerability you feel at that age riding your bike along on a nice summers day. Kind of funny, but I think in the end, those windows onto my memories are in some way better then my dreams could ever possibly be.
till next time
Chris
As time has gone on, I have began to amend my previous thoughts about life. I think life is a hallway that is circular in shape. Yes there are still windows. The windows on the outer ring represent our lifes as they are, once again still the good parts, the happy parts, the memories if you will. The windows on the inside represent our dreams. There are fewer windows on the inner ring, the area is much smaller. We spend our life walking around this circle perhaps because life really does repeat itself, even if it is in the smallest ways. I think as we age, we tend to look more out the windows on the outside ring and less to the windows on the inside ring. There are those among us who still can constantly focus on the inner ring, no matter how old we get (I suspect Robin Williams is one of those people) But I think by and large as we age, our heads are turned more to the outer ring because we look more to our happy memories and less to our dreams.
Never fret, this is not a bad thing. You see, I believe as we age some of those dreams become reality, and thus move from the inner ring of windows to the outer ring. I also think there are alot of things we view favorably over time that we never thought we would. In the end our "reality" or memories end up being more treasured and we stop wanting to live "what if", and start wish we could live "rememeber when". I realize I am kind of babbling so I shall provide an example.
My parents sent out 4 packages filled with some of my old stuff. One of the things that was sent out was a wooden rattle type thing with a ring around the center. My grandpa lewis made the wooden thing for me when I was very young. I dont remember why or when he made it, I know I wasnt a baby anymore, perhaps it was a birthday or christmas present. What I do remember was the wood shop in which he made it, a dark building made of cinder block, that always smelled of that wood meets metal burning smell and More cigarettes. I remember how ominous my grandfather was to me at the time. He hobbled around his workshop sort of like a wise old Indian chief, and he always seemed very serious. The wood shop was poorly lit and very cluttered with all sorts of wood and projects and tools he worked on as well as various tv parts etc. It reminded me of a mad scientist's laboratory.
As all this imagery hit me I realized I was holding the wooden toy to my nose and inhaling the slight smell that came from that wood shop. It has been probably 25 years since I set foot in his wood shop, now I know it is gone due to some unfortunate circumstances. But that memory for good or bad is ingrained (haha ingrained its a wood joke) in me. And when I look back on it I feel pretty nostalgic. When I look at the pencil holder he made me I think of his impossibly gnarled hands thick and calloused from years of hard work. I remember how he reminded me of a tree sometimes by how tough his skin was and how rough his hands would feel. Even when he got older and infirm, his grip was still like iron. It was a different sore of iron, not like the iron I felt in my fathers hugs which brought a measure of safety and respect, but instead with him it was more you could feel how tough life had made him. I got all these feelings, emotions and thoughts from a sniff of a wooden toy and seeing the words "Handcrafted by Lewis W Bishop" on the bottom of the pencil holder. Some folks would look at my memories and think it was scary, but in truth now they are in a very special place called Remember when. A place that sometimes when I am feeling down and I look out those windows, I wish I could go.
As I drive down colorado blvd here, and see all the rolling farms, the cattle ranges and the familiar smells of growing corn and soybeans, I am forced to realized that I moved here to Dacono for many reasons. Most importantly, because inside of me there is still a boy riding his ugly blue schwinn 3 speed bike as fast as he can down spearsville road at 6pm at night, smelling all the earthy smells, feeling the summer heat with the gentle breeze and waiting for the next shaded dip in the road so I can build up speed to be hit with the next batch of new smells and sounds. Its all I can do to keep from letting go of the wheel and throwing my arms out again for that brief moment of superhuman flight and invulnerability you feel at that age riding your bike along on a nice summers day. Kind of funny, but I think in the end, those windows onto my memories are in some way better then my dreams could ever possibly be.
till next time
Chris
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Shoes
Well as some of you may know, my wife and I embarked on the treacherous path of purchasing our first home. Not for the light hearted buying a home can be packed with frustrations and doubt. My lender was very good about prepping me for the rocky road ahead and the realtor I worked with Don Newton was incredible at allaying my many fears. On December 22nd we closed on the house and received the keys to our very first home. As we walked in to our home and saw all the work to be done for the first time since it started I got overwhelmed. I think even more then that I was filled with fear. Fear brought on by the fact I have the random factor of MS to deal with at every turn. I have been trying for years to catch up to the myth that is my father. A man that came from a rough childhood, worked two jobs, worked 6 days a week for decades, 10-12 hour days and an hour drive one way back and forth to work. The older I got the more legendary and untouchable my father's accomplishments became.
I think it is the nature of every man to measure himself against the generation before him. It is even more common in this day and age for my generation and those after me to make excuses for why they don't measure up. I think I was 28 years old when it finally dawned on me that it was time to stop making excuses. It has not been an easy road. I really messed up my credit in my early 20's, so I had to fix that. Having MS and diabetes has certainly tossed a monkey wrench into things. But as I stood in the threshold of my home and looked at the new primer on the walls and realized it was the first brick if you will in the foundation of my family's home. I knew that I had finally made it to the same point my father had 31 years before me, standing on the rugged dirt of Brown county,Indiana and watching the first piece of lumber hit the dirt for our home. I stood there with my cane crutch on my left arm looking at the living room of my home and tears started streaming down my face.
I know I am rambling on and on here so I will try to get to the point. You see I didn't face a tough childhood like my dad did. My childhood was great, I had caring parents who helped shape me into the man I am. I didn't work two jobs and go to school just to get a better job. Instead I went in the military and faced my own adversities there. When a tornado wiped me out I didn't go home like most kids my age would have done, instead I used the experience to reforge the blade so to speak and rebuild me from a whiny 27 year old man who had a chip on his shoulder to a 28 year old man with a purpose. No I cant do most of the things I want to do on the home. The stupid cane crutch I just got forced to wear gets in the way all the time. It doesnt matter though I still try to do what I can. See the most important lesson my father taught me he never actually spoke. He never physically pointed it out, never wrote it down. But he most certainly showed it to me. NO MATTER WHAT HAND YOU ARE DEALT MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND PLAY IT OUT. He could have been abusive, bitter, he could have become a drunkard or he could have just given in and allowed himself to become a victim of his environment. But my father didnt. Every day he forged ahead and kept going. And once he met my mother they formed an ironclad bond that only strengthened his resolve, much the same way my wife Wendy has often strengthened mine. I finally look down at my own feet and after years of trying to figure out how I would fill my father's shoes, I had finally slipped them on. And dad let me tell you, they feel pretty good.
I think it is the nature of every man to measure himself against the generation before him. It is even more common in this day and age for my generation and those after me to make excuses for why they don't measure up. I think I was 28 years old when it finally dawned on me that it was time to stop making excuses. It has not been an easy road. I really messed up my credit in my early 20's, so I had to fix that. Having MS and diabetes has certainly tossed a monkey wrench into things. But as I stood in the threshold of my home and looked at the new primer on the walls and realized it was the first brick if you will in the foundation of my family's home. I knew that I had finally made it to the same point my father had 31 years before me, standing on the rugged dirt of Brown county,Indiana and watching the first piece of lumber hit the dirt for our home. I stood there with my cane crutch on my left arm looking at the living room of my home and tears started streaming down my face.
I know I am rambling on and on here so I will try to get to the point. You see I didn't face a tough childhood like my dad did. My childhood was great, I had caring parents who helped shape me into the man I am. I didn't work two jobs and go to school just to get a better job. Instead I went in the military and faced my own adversities there. When a tornado wiped me out I didn't go home like most kids my age would have done, instead I used the experience to reforge the blade so to speak and rebuild me from a whiny 27 year old man who had a chip on his shoulder to a 28 year old man with a purpose. No I cant do most of the things I want to do on the home. The stupid cane crutch I just got forced to wear gets in the way all the time. It doesnt matter though I still try to do what I can. See the most important lesson my father taught me he never actually spoke. He never physically pointed it out, never wrote it down. But he most certainly showed it to me. NO MATTER WHAT HAND YOU ARE DEALT MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND PLAY IT OUT. He could have been abusive, bitter, he could have become a drunkard or he could have just given in and allowed himself to become a victim of his environment. But my father didnt. Every day he forged ahead and kept going. And once he met my mother they formed an ironclad bond that only strengthened his resolve, much the same way my wife Wendy has often strengthened mine. I finally look down at my own feet and after years of trying to figure out how I would fill my father's shoes, I had finally slipped them on. And dad let me tell you, they feel pretty good.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
How to fight the food demon
Its 11:59 pm. I should be in bed right now. I shouldn't be writing on my blog. And I should not have had that hot dog. That luxurious juicy protein packed tube of miscellaneous meats and nitrates wrapped in a soft carb filled gluten enriched bun and covered with the slightest hint of ketchup and mustard. Why oh why do you tease me so. This of course all sounds ludicrous..or does it??
When I quit smoking about 3 years ago roughly maybe longer (heck i forget how long its been) I remember knowing that the cigarettes had the upper hand. I would wake up at 1 AM and have to go have a smoke. If I ran out, I would collect every penny in the apartment to go buy a pack. I think it wasn't until I sat there looking at the butts of other people's cigarettes in the ashtray that I truly realized how far gone I was. How much this cardboard box filled with barely real organic leaf shredded up and filtered with fiberglass controlled me. I had smoked for almost 10 years at that point. And living in Denver particularly as a fat boy and smoking was pretty hard on your lungs. It took me months of many attempts to finally kick the habit. But I did, and now 3 years later I find them gross and cant imagine how I ever could have started. I tell other smokers trying to quit, have no illusions this will be tough, and it may take more then one time of trying to quit to make it happy. Just believe in yourself even if you fail and keep trying trying trying. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but once you finally break the barrier, you will have a respect for yourself and a feeling of accomplishment like no other.
Well now I have another battle on my hands. And its with food. As a diabetic diet can contribute a lot to staving off the effects of diabetes. You don't have to be a total freak about it but keeping yourself on a 2000 calorie diet well frankly it sucks. Its hard to tell yourself no don't eat. Its hard to say you don't have to clean your plate off. Its hard to look at portions that are small and go OK I'm full. The fact of the matter is once you get yourself in a insulin resistant state your body always thinks its hungry when it isn't. But if I want to have any chance of keeping my eyes free from diabetic neuropathy (I have optic neuropathy already from MS but so far that comes and goes), if I like being able to count to 10 on my feet and fingers, I HAVE to get this problem under control. Right now I weigh in at 295 lbs. My activity has decreased to some extent because of my problems with my legs from MS. But to be truthful I have also given in a lot to the urges to just do nothing. And that is a slippery slope.
Your probably saying well Chris, just suck it up and fix it. Stop being whiny and diet diet diet. Remember how I said quitting smoking was the hardest thing I had ever done. Ya quitting bad food...turns out is even worse. Because your brain says HEY I NEED FOOD. And when you make yourself insulin resistant (and you do to an extent by poor food choices in the beginning and poor dietary habits) then your body is also screaming HEY I NEED FOOD. It doesn't need food, but it thinks it does. Now toss in depression or anxiety and bam, its burger king time. I know what your thinking, Well Chris, your smart enough to see all this right??? Sur e I am, but I'm also human and a creature of impulses the same as the next guy.
The first mistake we often make is we try to do to much to fast. "I'M gonna diet and exercise and do it every single day!" Well lets call BS on that one right now. You might make it 2 or 3 days, but again your human. You will backslide only the truly strong of will can do this, very few of the success stories you see on weight loss were morbidly obese, or did not have some kind of special training where they were being watchdogged every step of the way (ya screw you Jerrod, you fitness trainer hiring butthole). So what I have decided to do is slowly analyze where I'm successful and where I fail. And then try based off this to formulate my own weight loss plan. I would like 2 years from now to be back down around 190 or so, so losing roughly 100 pounds in the next 2 years would be the idea. After that slowly try to work my to 170 or so which would still be over the desirable weight for my height but heck I'm not a small framed guy to being with so I am trying to bring a sense of realism to this.
Step 1: Figure out how to count calories in a manner that I will follow. While I like to cook trying to follow recipes still ends up having to many variables unless your a nuclear physicist and can account for the complex vs simple sugars and different kinds of fats, Feel like weighing everything practically that you cant buy in a box for nutritional assessment. Ive tried, I hated it, it just wont happen. So boxed meals it is. Luckily today the frozen world has a metric ton of foods with complete calories counts, sugars carbs etc listed right on the box. This is good both for the diabetes side and the weight loss side of things. FACT: The easier you make things on yourself the more likely you are to follow through. Sadly being fat and being lazy go hand in hand so you need to fight fire with fire, make it easy on yourself and healthy choice, smart ones and lean cuisine make it real easy to calorie count.
Step 2: Let the skinny people in your life know that you are going to be trying to do this. Nothing is worse then being the starving man in the desert watching some a**hole drink a big glass of ice water in front of you. My wife and my kids should eat healthier, I tried to fight that battle but frankly it only works so far. My wife doesn't like to cook and with me being the primary chef that puts me right back in the danger zone. So I sat down and told her look outline what is easy for you to fix that your not gonna throw a fuss about, well get some easy stuff for the kids (and I still tricked them got them mostly fish and shrimp that is baked and not fried etc etc) Let them know, no ordering out around me. And do not I repeat do not let yourself use the excuse "oh we don't have much time lets just order out" This is why you bought microwave meals open the box peel the plastic put it in the microwave you ninny, it doesn't get much easier then that.
Step 3: There is no free weekend. Here are the cold hard facts. Your body can be trained. You have trained it well over the past few decades to load up all this crap and store store store. When you get a few days into your diet your body is gonna throw a tantrum like a 3 year old brat in the toy aisle. The longer you go the more your force your body to go to those reserves it has store up and chomp away on them. For 3-6 months it will do this until enough weight has been lost it starts to slow down. This is rough because now you start to stagnate right in the middle of where you want to be. Worse yet when you let yourself splurge on the weekend on food and bust your diet...well its no different then having that 1 little social smoke after you have quit, all those endorphin production centers go into overdrive releasing dopamine in your bloodstream making your brain go MMMMMMMMMMMMMM my god yes....and well most of us slide right back into munchiville.
Step 4: When you plateau off its time to get moving. This has always been the hard part for me. In the Air Force I kept weight off by riding a stationary bike or cross trainer and listening to music or reading. As a civilian I couldn't afford those amazing devices or didn't have space for them so its been walking. Either way once I hit 250 or so legs willing its time to hit the bike trail, and once we get our house purchase settled I think its time for one of those cross trainers.
So my pledge to myself is November 16th its diet time. Just like when I quit smoking I'm not giving up. After all I stay this fat I will die early, and no self respecting bishop male would cheat his family out of the pleasure of hearing him be ornery in the elder years. And yes I am doing this right before thanksgiving BECAUSE I know I need the challenge. By god this time I am going to succeed.
Keep your chin up
Chris
When I quit smoking about 3 years ago roughly maybe longer (heck i forget how long its been) I remember knowing that the cigarettes had the upper hand. I would wake up at 1 AM and have to go have a smoke. If I ran out, I would collect every penny in the apartment to go buy a pack. I think it wasn't until I sat there looking at the butts of other people's cigarettes in the ashtray that I truly realized how far gone I was. How much this cardboard box filled with barely real organic leaf shredded up and filtered with fiberglass controlled me. I had smoked for almost 10 years at that point. And living in Denver particularly as a fat boy and smoking was pretty hard on your lungs. It took me months of many attempts to finally kick the habit. But I did, and now 3 years later I find them gross and cant imagine how I ever could have started. I tell other smokers trying to quit, have no illusions this will be tough, and it may take more then one time of trying to quit to make it happy. Just believe in yourself even if you fail and keep trying trying trying. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but once you finally break the barrier, you will have a respect for yourself and a feeling of accomplishment like no other.
Well now I have another battle on my hands. And its with food. As a diabetic diet can contribute a lot to staving off the effects of diabetes. You don't have to be a total freak about it but keeping yourself on a 2000 calorie diet well frankly it sucks. Its hard to tell yourself no don't eat. Its hard to say you don't have to clean your plate off. Its hard to look at portions that are small and go OK I'm full. The fact of the matter is once you get yourself in a insulin resistant state your body always thinks its hungry when it isn't. But if I want to have any chance of keeping my eyes free from diabetic neuropathy (I have optic neuropathy already from MS but so far that comes and goes), if I like being able to count to 10 on my feet and fingers, I HAVE to get this problem under control. Right now I weigh in at 295 lbs. My activity has decreased to some extent because of my problems with my legs from MS. But to be truthful I have also given in a lot to the urges to just do nothing. And that is a slippery slope.
Your probably saying well Chris, just suck it up and fix it. Stop being whiny and diet diet diet. Remember how I said quitting smoking was the hardest thing I had ever done. Ya quitting bad food...turns out is even worse. Because your brain says HEY I NEED FOOD. And when you make yourself insulin resistant (and you do to an extent by poor food choices in the beginning and poor dietary habits) then your body is also screaming HEY I NEED FOOD. It doesn't need food, but it thinks it does. Now toss in depression or anxiety and bam, its burger king time. I know what your thinking, Well Chris, your smart enough to see all this right??? Sur e I am, but I'm also human and a creature of impulses the same as the next guy.
The first mistake we often make is we try to do to much to fast. "I'M gonna diet and exercise and do it every single day!" Well lets call BS on that one right now. You might make it 2 or 3 days, but again your human. You will backslide only the truly strong of will can do this, very few of the success stories you see on weight loss were morbidly obese, or did not have some kind of special training where they were being watchdogged every step of the way (ya screw you Jerrod, you fitness trainer hiring butthole). So what I have decided to do is slowly analyze where I'm successful and where I fail. And then try based off this to formulate my own weight loss plan. I would like 2 years from now to be back down around 190 or so, so losing roughly 100 pounds in the next 2 years would be the idea. After that slowly try to work my to 170 or so which would still be over the desirable weight for my height but heck I'm not a small framed guy to being with so I am trying to bring a sense of realism to this.
Step 1: Figure out how to count calories in a manner that I will follow. While I like to cook trying to follow recipes still ends up having to many variables unless your a nuclear physicist and can account for the complex vs simple sugars and different kinds of fats, Feel like weighing everything practically that you cant buy in a box for nutritional assessment. Ive tried, I hated it, it just wont happen. So boxed meals it is. Luckily today the frozen world has a metric ton of foods with complete calories counts, sugars carbs etc listed right on the box. This is good both for the diabetes side and the weight loss side of things. FACT: The easier you make things on yourself the more likely you are to follow through. Sadly being fat and being lazy go hand in hand so you need to fight fire with fire, make it easy on yourself and healthy choice, smart ones and lean cuisine make it real easy to calorie count.
Step 2: Let the skinny people in your life know that you are going to be trying to do this. Nothing is worse then being the starving man in the desert watching some a**hole drink a big glass of ice water in front of you. My wife and my kids should eat healthier, I tried to fight that battle but frankly it only works so far. My wife doesn't like to cook and with me being the primary chef that puts me right back in the danger zone. So I sat down and told her look outline what is easy for you to fix that your not gonna throw a fuss about, well get some easy stuff for the kids (and I still tricked them got them mostly fish and shrimp that is baked and not fried etc etc) Let them know, no ordering out around me. And do not I repeat do not let yourself use the excuse "oh we don't have much time lets just order out" This is why you bought microwave meals open the box peel the plastic put it in the microwave you ninny, it doesn't get much easier then that.
Step 3: There is no free weekend. Here are the cold hard facts. Your body can be trained. You have trained it well over the past few decades to load up all this crap and store store store. When you get a few days into your diet your body is gonna throw a tantrum like a 3 year old brat in the toy aisle. The longer you go the more your force your body to go to those reserves it has store up and chomp away on them. For 3-6 months it will do this until enough weight has been lost it starts to slow down. This is rough because now you start to stagnate right in the middle of where you want to be. Worse yet when you let yourself splurge on the weekend on food and bust your diet...well its no different then having that 1 little social smoke after you have quit, all those endorphin production centers go into overdrive releasing dopamine in your bloodstream making your brain go MMMMMMMMMMMMMM my god yes....and well most of us slide right back into munchiville.
Step 4: When you plateau off its time to get moving. This has always been the hard part for me. In the Air Force I kept weight off by riding a stationary bike or cross trainer and listening to music or reading. As a civilian I couldn't afford those amazing devices or didn't have space for them so its been walking. Either way once I hit 250 or so legs willing its time to hit the bike trail, and once we get our house purchase settled I think its time for one of those cross trainers.
So my pledge to myself is November 16th its diet time. Just like when I quit smoking I'm not giving up. After all I stay this fat I will die early, and no self respecting bishop male would cheat his family out of the pleasure of hearing him be ornery in the elder years. And yes I am doing this right before thanksgiving BECAUSE I know I need the challenge. By god this time I am going to succeed.
Keep your chin up
Chris
Friday, November 13, 2009
Gods plan defined
I think when I was about 14 years old I first heard the phrase Gods plan. I was up on a Sunday eating cereal waiting for wrestling to come on so my dad could tell me what a bunch of fake crap it was, and this televangelist came on, talking about how "GAWD has a plannnnnnn for YOU!" He was one of those big sweaty guys whose blood pressure made the poop vein on his head swell to enormous levels, but he had that kind of thundering voice that kind of drew you in. I can fully recall going man...what plan.
My parents never discouraged me from going to church but they themselves never really went. I don't think it was ever for any lack of desire to go, they just were the kind of folks who really relished seeing god in the simple things. Tilling the earth and planting a small garden, making a flower bed or outdoor projects. My dad only had one day off a week for the entire time I was at home and that one day was pretty important to him and my mother. So they packed every day off he had with things to be done or little day trips to see something neat. So when this loud preacher man said that god had a plan, all I could really envision was one of my mother's infamous to do lists.
When I was in the military I saw all kinds of things. Things that made me doubt that any god would plan the craziness. And things that made me fairly certain that divine intervention was the only plausible explanation. I was an idiot for quite a while because I was very confused. As much as my parents tried, nothing they taught me or showed me could have prepared me for a lot of what the world showed me, and other things they taught me had i just believe a little more in their wisdom would have probably pulled me out of the fire a little faster. But like many kids at first I knew everything, and shortly after I realized I didn't know anything and all that was left was a lot of confusion and anger that I wrongly displaced at them for not making me just like all the other kids who went off to college got drunk, and graduated with degrees in some completely different field then they initially went to school for.
I ran into a man named Master Sgt Rick Robinson. Rick was a devout christian and a good family man. No matter how many turd sandwiches life dealt out Rick just sat for a moment and reflected on it gave it over to god and pressed on. He took me to church many times and I think one of the saddest moments in my life was him getting orders elsewhere. And he told me "Chris you need to talk with your parents because gods plan is not for us to walk alone. He had met my parents when they bailed my butt out of a particularly nasty situation where the military had over paid me and I being the knucklehead had not paid a lick of attention to the fact I was getting more then I should. Rick paid attention though, and he made sure to really push the envelope to get me thinking. And to remind me of God's plan for me.
So I get hit by a tornado, lose dang near everything to my name, but I kept my pride, still not wanting to crawl back to my parents and admit defeat I instead come out to Colorado. I had a friend out here but he couldn't afford for me just to move in and my pride wouldn't let me just mooch off someone, so I spent roughly 3 weeks in the red cross shelter here in Denver working for a temp agency. I got a job with Cub Foods as a Customer service manager and got a little pay as you go apartment, then my friend said why don't you move in. Sure enough I keep at it moving jobs a few times meet my wife my future son and suddenly everything I've wanted falls in to place. We have my daughter and finally my wife gives the final push and I call my parents to get in touch with them again. Just when life is going well, Ive got a good job I find out Ive got MS.
Now I'm floored again, if gods plan was to bring me all this happiness why would he do this to me. Why would he slowly take my sight, my legs, even the ability to know if I have to do something like pee. Why when everything was going right would I get hit with this stuff. Once again, I feel confused and like everything is going against me. And all of a sudden when everything feels like its crushing in it dawns on me. God really does have a plan. And just like Job I cursed the day I was born not seeing this plan. So now that I have laid out this nasty little scenario of depression lets see the silver lining of gods intricate plan thus far in my life. People will say that some of this is mere coincidence. But those same people would be wrong.
1) My entrance in the military: Unlike most kids I graduated with I didn't go off to be a frat boy, I instead joined the USAF. I spent my time in the medical field working the ICU, Internal Medicine and the ER. In each place I was like a sponge just absorbing the knowledge around me. During this time period I held the hands of many folks who passed away beside me. Many old veteran;s who bravely told their family they loved them and to go home and get rest. These veterans knew that they had one more tour of duty to perform and it was the final ship out to heaven. And when these Veteran's were alone on the edge, when they wanted another military member to be there a brother in arms that understood them, I was there for them because this was part of god's plan. At that point in my life it was my purpose to provide comfort and ease these old soldiers minds. And in turn as god takes he provides. God provided me with the knowledge I would need in the future.
2) After getting out of the military, I was burned out I sat there and wallowed in my own self pity working a cruddy job at a gas station. I was still hurting over my first fiancee dumping me and was spiraling down a bad road that probably could have gotten much worse. But instead like the great flood a tornado wiped out every reason I had to stay, and for whatever insane reason I chose to come to Denver. And here gods plan led me to my wife, and my children. I went from a guy without two cents to rub together to a guy who slowly but surely has been gaining the American dream.
3) When MS struck, many things could have happened. However after finding out what the signs and symptoms of early onset my military training in medicine allowed me to figure out this had been going on for awhile. It allowed me to go back to the VA and pretty much stride through their system because I knew what my medical records held and was able to link my issues with things I had complained of in the military. It put me on 100% disability and allowed me the peace of mind of knowing my family would still be taken care of even after I wasn't able to be the bread winner. And it continues to benefit me even now given me the ability to translate doctorese and really make informed medical decisions. Once again god's plan at work far in advance of what one would expect.
I don't hesitate to tell folks how I feel god has blessed me. That is right blessed. Because in comparison to a lot of folks I think I have witnessed quite a few miracles. And every day I have 3 of them to hold (OK maybe not hold the boy squirms quite a bit) to remind me of how lucky I am.
Keep your chin up
Chris
My parents never discouraged me from going to church but they themselves never really went. I don't think it was ever for any lack of desire to go, they just were the kind of folks who really relished seeing god in the simple things. Tilling the earth and planting a small garden, making a flower bed or outdoor projects. My dad only had one day off a week for the entire time I was at home and that one day was pretty important to him and my mother. So they packed every day off he had with things to be done or little day trips to see something neat. So when this loud preacher man said that god had a plan, all I could really envision was one of my mother's infamous to do lists.
When I was in the military I saw all kinds of things. Things that made me doubt that any god would plan the craziness. And things that made me fairly certain that divine intervention was the only plausible explanation. I was an idiot for quite a while because I was very confused. As much as my parents tried, nothing they taught me or showed me could have prepared me for a lot of what the world showed me, and other things they taught me had i just believe a little more in their wisdom would have probably pulled me out of the fire a little faster. But like many kids at first I knew everything, and shortly after I realized I didn't know anything and all that was left was a lot of confusion and anger that I wrongly displaced at them for not making me just like all the other kids who went off to college got drunk, and graduated with degrees in some completely different field then they initially went to school for.
I ran into a man named Master Sgt Rick Robinson. Rick was a devout christian and a good family man. No matter how many turd sandwiches life dealt out Rick just sat for a moment and reflected on it gave it over to god and pressed on. He took me to church many times and I think one of the saddest moments in my life was him getting orders elsewhere. And he told me "Chris you need to talk with your parents because gods plan is not for us to walk alone. He had met my parents when they bailed my butt out of a particularly nasty situation where the military had over paid me and I being the knucklehead had not paid a lick of attention to the fact I was getting more then I should. Rick paid attention though, and he made sure to really push the envelope to get me thinking. And to remind me of God's plan for me.
So I get hit by a tornado, lose dang near everything to my name, but I kept my pride, still not wanting to crawl back to my parents and admit defeat I instead come out to Colorado. I had a friend out here but he couldn't afford for me just to move in and my pride wouldn't let me just mooch off someone, so I spent roughly 3 weeks in the red cross shelter here in Denver working for a temp agency. I got a job with Cub Foods as a Customer service manager and got a little pay as you go apartment, then my friend said why don't you move in. Sure enough I keep at it moving jobs a few times meet my wife my future son and suddenly everything I've wanted falls in to place. We have my daughter and finally my wife gives the final push and I call my parents to get in touch with them again. Just when life is going well, Ive got a good job I find out Ive got MS.
Now I'm floored again, if gods plan was to bring me all this happiness why would he do this to me. Why would he slowly take my sight, my legs, even the ability to know if I have to do something like pee. Why when everything was going right would I get hit with this stuff. Once again, I feel confused and like everything is going against me. And all of a sudden when everything feels like its crushing in it dawns on me. God really does have a plan. And just like Job I cursed the day I was born not seeing this plan. So now that I have laid out this nasty little scenario of depression lets see the silver lining of gods intricate plan thus far in my life. People will say that some of this is mere coincidence. But those same people would be wrong.
1) My entrance in the military: Unlike most kids I graduated with I didn't go off to be a frat boy, I instead joined the USAF. I spent my time in the medical field working the ICU, Internal Medicine and the ER. In each place I was like a sponge just absorbing the knowledge around me. During this time period I held the hands of many folks who passed away beside me. Many old veteran;s who bravely told their family they loved them and to go home and get rest. These veterans knew that they had one more tour of duty to perform and it was the final ship out to heaven. And when these Veteran's were alone on the edge, when they wanted another military member to be there a brother in arms that understood them, I was there for them because this was part of god's plan. At that point in my life it was my purpose to provide comfort and ease these old soldiers minds. And in turn as god takes he provides. God provided me with the knowledge I would need in the future.
2) After getting out of the military, I was burned out I sat there and wallowed in my own self pity working a cruddy job at a gas station. I was still hurting over my first fiancee dumping me and was spiraling down a bad road that probably could have gotten much worse. But instead like the great flood a tornado wiped out every reason I had to stay, and for whatever insane reason I chose to come to Denver. And here gods plan led me to my wife, and my children. I went from a guy without two cents to rub together to a guy who slowly but surely has been gaining the American dream.
3) When MS struck, many things could have happened. However after finding out what the signs and symptoms of early onset my military training in medicine allowed me to figure out this had been going on for awhile. It allowed me to go back to the VA and pretty much stride through their system because I knew what my medical records held and was able to link my issues with things I had complained of in the military. It put me on 100% disability and allowed me the peace of mind of knowing my family would still be taken care of even after I wasn't able to be the bread winner. And it continues to benefit me even now given me the ability to translate doctorese and really make informed medical decisions. Once again god's plan at work far in advance of what one would expect.
I don't hesitate to tell folks how I feel god has blessed me. That is right blessed. Because in comparison to a lot of folks I think I have witnessed quite a few miracles. And every day I have 3 of them to hold (OK maybe not hold the boy squirms quite a bit) to remind me of how lucky I am.
Keep your chin up
Chris
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Halloween
Well, Its Halloween and this year the power of my nerd ism has infected my children. I have often watched the Star Wars series and my children (particularly my daughter the TV watching cuddle bug) have watched it with me many many times. Both of them have been swept in the drama of clashing light sabers, neat space ships, and pretty space princesses. And long before Halloween came around they kept saying how they wanted to dress up like star wars characters. So my daughter chose Snips from the clone wars cartoon and my son chose obi wan ken obi. I had even entertained the idea of dressing up myself to go with them. However as MS is fond of doing, it reared its ugly head at the last minute giving me crushing tummy pain and my right leg doing its normal rubber trick.
We decided to drive up to Longmont, a place I'm very fond of. Wendy's parents live there and we decided since they live in a little subdivision we could visit with them and take the kids trick or treating there since we live in a pretty crappy apartment complex. Well we get up there my wife gets them all ready to go and I just kind of quietly sit down and try not to be mopey at missing yet another fun part in my kid's lives. I guess I should be thankful that our government pays me for my time in service allowing me to spend time at home with them when other daddies are at work. But being caught up in the moment I really just wanted to see them go trick or treating.
Well once again as god has this funny way of doing, the next day brought on little mini miracles. I had spent most of the night being up and down from bed with stomach problems, but that morning my mother in laws cooked breakfast somehow made my stomach go at ease (it really was pretty amazing it never does that) My father in law took me for a nice long drive showing me different homes for sale in longmont, and since there was a bronco game on we stopped picked up hamburgers pork ribs and hot dogs as well as some fat tire beer (I drink maybe a beer or two once every 6 months or so, don't get too excited mom) and went back to their house to spend the afternoon watching the broncos game and enjoying a good meal. My father in law gets so excited watching football it makes it very enjoyable to watch the game with him. And once we got home got the kids to bed and kind of put stuff away, my wife and I both settled in to bed early and passed out...AND I GOT A FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP! It was the most wonderful night of sleep I have had in probably half a year at least.
So I guess even though I was moping about not being able to see my kids trick or treat and asking god why I couldn't just have a normal day like everyone else the next day he responded by giving me a normal day. Who says you don't get 30 minutes or less delivery from the big guy every now and again.
Keep your chins up
Chris
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My addiction to fantasy
For some reason when I was about oh 8 years old I believe it was, I became addicted to fantasy settings. I can think of many catalysts to why this may have occurred. I had a second grade teacher named Mrs. Lucas whom I can scarcely remember much about. I know she was a large lady and everyone at first was frightened of her but she has a very pleasant mannerism about her and that soon faded. I remember she would turn off almost all the lights and sit in a rocking chair and read the hobbit to us. While I am pretty sure I only got about 10% of the story I still was pretty amazed with it. Then later when I was in 5th grade I went over to my friend Cindy Kline's house and played Dungeons and Dragons with her brother Mike Kline. And well that as we should say was the gateway drug that led me down the dark path.
Something about those years was magical in a way I could never put to words. As an adult I try to recapture those moments. In fact as I sit here and dream about a house I have to admit I also have a small dream of a basement with a long wooden table some creaky chairs and walls with book shelves filled with books. No I wont have to ask Mr. Engle the librarian for refuge in the basement, There wont be anyone leaping liberally onto the table doing fake fencing motions (unless I complete my evil plans to make one of my 2 children into a nerd like their old daddy) and it wont (I hope) have that slight mildew smell, but just maybe I can recapture some of those memories.
I don't know if I could cope today with the many issues I face daily were it not for the sense of imagination my parents thankfully allowed me to have. It is this same imagination I use to funnel into my writing, and I use to empower the many books I read, and I infuse into my gaming when the occasion arises to allow for it. It allows to make all those wonderful funny voices my kids love when I read and on occasion allows me to make my wife laugh at something I say. Being a dreamer allows me to sail past the negative and put the positive spin on things. Yes as I have grown older I have become more jaded and I still keep things in perspective but it allows me to overcome a lot of trials. If you will remember when I talked about the long hallway with blank walls and windows in a previous post. Well some of the windows in my hallway might have a dwarf wielding an axe charging down a nasty dragon. Or might be fondly recalling a great session from my high school days with fondness. Its there very windows I need when the needle is pressing into my spine, or I'm being shoved into a small tunnel for a MRI and 30 minutes of mind numbing pounding sounds every so many months. When I am leaning on the toilet after a nasty spell of throwing up, I can clear my mind and think of something my daughter said about her princess adventures.
So I guess in all this I am saying, I think god gave man and imagination to allow him to create things beyond reality. And to sometimes turn those dreams into reality. I think he also blessed us with it to allow us to focus past everything that is wrong in our life and instead recognize exactly how his blessings have made many of our dreams come true. The very brain that I curse because it doesn't let me leg work right or let me sleep, also lets me sail off to worlds unknown, tell wondrous stories to entertain friends and family and stores all these beautiful moments in life to recall with everything else around me is not going so well. I thank god for my my imagination, I thank my parents for never stifling me (ok maybe a little but lord knows where I would be if you didn't give me a reality check from time to time) and my wife for still putting up with me as I constantly flutter around trying to nail ideas down for the next game or my next story concept or my need to game on my computer or ps3. Most of all my children for reminding me from time to time where dreams begin.
Keep your chin up
Chris
Something about those years was magical in a way I could never put to words. As an adult I try to recapture those moments. In fact as I sit here and dream about a house I have to admit I also have a small dream of a basement with a long wooden table some creaky chairs and walls with book shelves filled with books. No I wont have to ask Mr. Engle the librarian for refuge in the basement, There wont be anyone leaping liberally onto the table doing fake fencing motions (unless I complete my evil plans to make one of my 2 children into a nerd like their old daddy) and it wont (I hope) have that slight mildew smell, but just maybe I can recapture some of those memories.
I don't know if I could cope today with the many issues I face daily were it not for the sense of imagination my parents thankfully allowed me to have. It is this same imagination I use to funnel into my writing, and I use to empower the many books I read, and I infuse into my gaming when the occasion arises to allow for it. It allows to make all those wonderful funny voices my kids love when I read and on occasion allows me to make my wife laugh at something I say. Being a dreamer allows me to sail past the negative and put the positive spin on things. Yes as I have grown older I have become more jaded and I still keep things in perspective but it allows me to overcome a lot of trials. If you will remember when I talked about the long hallway with blank walls and windows in a previous post. Well some of the windows in my hallway might have a dwarf wielding an axe charging down a nasty dragon. Or might be fondly recalling a great session from my high school days with fondness. Its there very windows I need when the needle is pressing into my spine, or I'm being shoved into a small tunnel for a MRI and 30 minutes of mind numbing pounding sounds every so many months. When I am leaning on the toilet after a nasty spell of throwing up, I can clear my mind and think of something my daughter said about her princess adventures.
So I guess in all this I am saying, I think god gave man and imagination to allow him to create things beyond reality. And to sometimes turn those dreams into reality. I think he also blessed us with it to allow us to focus past everything that is wrong in our life and instead recognize exactly how his blessings have made many of our dreams come true. The very brain that I curse because it doesn't let me leg work right or let me sleep, also lets me sail off to worlds unknown, tell wondrous stories to entertain friends and family and stores all these beautiful moments in life to recall with everything else around me is not going so well. I thank god for my my imagination, I thank my parents for never stifling me (ok maybe a little but lord knows where I would be if you didn't give me a reality check from time to time) and my wife for still putting up with me as I constantly flutter around trying to nail ideas down for the next game or my next story concept or my need to game on my computer or ps3. Most of all my children for reminding me from time to time where dreams begin.
Keep your chin up
Chris
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